Co-regulation strategies – NEST approach

Experiencing a meltdown could feel scary and helping someone feel safe is huge. When survival mode is activated, it is hard to be able to think logically. During this time things that we do to help may appear as a threat. So here is an approach that, if implemented efficiently, could help bring a person back to baseline.

N stands for Nurture – Things to try

-Be calm (neutral face and tone of voice)

-Look confident that things will be OK. If you seem calm, they will feel that calmness and feel reassured due to emotional mirroring. Avoid direct eye contact. Keep in mind that gestures can be misinterpreted.

-Use distractions (physical activity can be helpful as a ‘physical release’ of emotions, movement breaks, etc).

-Be wary of physical distance, remove environmental triggers, reduce demands, remove other people (audience effect can make even the right support feel threatening at times).

Learning happens when people are calm. It is highly recommended to reduce demands and be flexible with rules during this time.

“When someone is drowning, that is not the best time to teach them how to swim” – David Pitonyak

It takes at least 45 minutes from crisis for a person to reach a calm/relaxed state, but it is often much longer.

E stands for Empathize

If someone is struggling or has reached crisis point, it is important to assume there is a good reason why and to try to understand their perspective, plus any reasoning for their current struggle.

If we just focus on what we want and what we deem to be acceptable behaviour without looking at a person’s perspective/needs, we are never going to be able to truly meet their needs. Everyone is different and needs different things to thrive so taking the time to understand an individual person’s needs is incredibly important.

Initial enquiry. For someone to feel listened to, it is important that you don’t offer solutions or judgements at this time. Example starting phrases: I saw… is there anything I can help with? Would you like to talk about it?

“Empathy is a vulnerable choice because in order to connect with you I must connect with something in myself that knows that feeling. What makes something better is connection” – Brene Brown

Understand more. When someone has shared their perspective, it can be helpful to do some reflective listening and ask clarifying questions.

Sharing Context

We need to show that how the person feels is important to us, but also share the perspectives of other people so they can fully understand the situation, if the situation is a result of miscommunication.

Example starting phrases: I am wondering if…

How the problem is affecting them: It ALWAYS affects them in some way, so make sure to always include the problem they have to show you care about them.

How the problem is affecting others: This may involve speaking to others to understand their perspective. It is important to let a person know that we are there for them and that we want to work together with them.

T stands for Teamwork

Initial enquiry. Let the person have the first opportunity to propose a solution but remember this is a team effort so you should work it out together. Example phrase statement: I wonder if there is a way…

Don’t just put the onus on the person, it is likely it isn’t just them who may need to make changes but also others involved in an issue.  

Connection before Correction

Children who are acting out are responding to stress they cannot identify and/or communicate.

When supporting them we can say something such as: “You are a good child having a hard time. I am right here with you. We are going to get through this”.

Remember that it takes time for someone who is very escalated to completely de-escalate; if the expectation is that a child regulates on their own or come back to baseline fast that could impact negatively the whole situation.

“A parent’s voice will become the child’s self-talk” – Dr. Becky (Good inside)

Source: Understanding Meltdowns